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Leaked school document warns of bleak future under Tories

A DRAFT PAPER – apparently intended to be read out to staff in an East London school just before the Christmas break – shows the extent to which the British education system may already be changing under the new Tory Government. We print it in full below.

Staff Briefing: 20th December 2019/page 2

Weekly Update on Safeguarding. The Head of Inclusion explained that the DfE had issued an emergency amendment to KCSiE to deal with seasonal performances in primary schools. It had also circulated a revised set of Best of British Values, produced to assist the Government implement its mandate to Get Brexit Done. School will therefore have to take account of the following factors when planning our nativity play.

Mary must wear a wedding ring to indicate that Joseph has forgiven her for her past indiscretions and she must wear a blue costume to remind us who backs traditional family values.

Under the new points-based immigration system, three Wise Men will only be allowed where the child actors playing the Men have SATs results better than the average national standard. It may be necessary for schools in urban areas to cast only two Wise Men, just in case.

Only one shepherd will be allowed – in anticipation of the restoration of the Combination Acts, which the Prime Minister has indicated will be a high priority for the new Government. There should be no suggestion that the lowly can assemble, as this may lead to spontaneous calls for a second referendum.

There must be no references to the baby Jesus being laid in a “manger” as the Schools Minister has outlawed the teaching of French and doesn’t want any suggestion that religious venues are linked with human food sources such as food banks. Food banks, if they fail, will not be bailed out by this Government.

There must be no suggestion that Mary and Joseph, having made themselves Intentionally Homeless by neglecting to book an inn in advance of their arrival in Bethlehem, have been granted permission to occupy the stable on a permanent basis.

Baby Jesus should be played by a doll. If the doll is dropped, it should be rushed off to A&E. However, in such cases a teacher should interrupt the play to explain to the audience that this is only possible because the doll has private medical insurance which will cover medical investigations for those who are Intentionally Injured. The Government intends to legislate in the New Year to prevent those who are “intentionally injured” from taking funds from tax-paying, hard-working families to pay for medical care for self-inflicted injuries.

Schools with over 500 pupils on roll should have a representative of a company offering medical insurance on hand to talk to parents after the performance, as well as a legal insurer who can talk to parents about insuring themselves against the risk of being sued by their offspring. These representatives should be chosen from the list of “Business Partners for Schools” recently issued by the DfE. Schools with fewer than 500 pupils on roll need not invite a Business Partner into school this Christmas, as they will shortly be merged with a nearby institution to create a new school with over 500 pupils on roll – in line with the Government’s “every school a viable business opportunity” initiative.

It follows that teachers who would like to use the traditional theatrical statement to wish children good luck before their performance should qualify it accordingly, such as: “break a leg – but only if your parent or carer has the right health insurance.”

To comply with the new directive on STEM, all nativity plays must have a star (human or cardboard), which must be duly labelled with its brightness, colour, surface temperature, size and mass – and the details of Professor Brian Cox’s next TV series, “The Science Curriculum in 80 days”. This programme will become compulsory viewing in all maintained schools from next September, after the Government’s “A Level Playing Field in Universities” Bill has passed. The Bill will equalise funding for all first degrees at the level currently available for arts-based courses, and any future shortfall in qualified science teachers will be covered by Prof. Cox’s broadcasts. The BBC’s offer to make and broadcast the series comes after discussion on the “So what do we get for the Licence Fee?” Government/BBC Working Party.

Finally, all references to the baby Jesus bringing “peace to all men” must be replaced by the DfE/MI5 updated wording indicating that baby Jesus is bringing “safety and national security to everyone living in a western democracy”. We’re all in the intelligence business, after all.

•Read more about it:
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