Together we stand, divided we fall

:: Nazmin Chowdhury ::
I was taken aback with astonishment and bewilderment after listening to some of the negative and derogatory comments expressed by a female colleague on the promotional success of another female colleague.  Her comments of ‘cheat’, ‘must’ve showed off her big cleavage’ to name but a few of the derogatory phrases used completely undermined the achievement and entitlement of this woman’s success. A woman who I knew very well worked hard and gained her position on her own merit.  This made me wonder why jealousy was so rife amongst women and girls. It made me reflect on the number of times I witnessed women and girls reacting with thinly veiled jealousy when they see other women stepping up and claiming a level of entitlement.  I asked myself why we women express such misogynistic behaviour?I consider it would be fair to say, women reading this article can all reflect on their own experience of female prejudices.  Whether, they have been a victim or a part of this prejudice.  On many instances, I have heard women express harsh and derogatory opinions of each other, common phrases when discussing work ‘it’s the women’s opinion you need watch out for’ or ‘I always get on more with men than women’ , ‘ she must have slept her way to the top’.  In my experience alone it has been the male bosses who have been more understanding and helpful when needing time off work due to child care or dependent issues. It is not only in the work environment such attitudes and behaviour exists.  Women appear to run their sex down in every aspect of a woman’s life, be it, as housewives, mothers, daughters or girlfriends.You will hear mainly of conflicts between  mother and daughter in law, rivalry amongst  wives, mother and daughter disputes that are most common. Men appear to be immune from these disputes and instead, amongst them exists a healthy competition to rise to the top.  A recent talk show on a local community channel, discussing the rights of women on International Women’s day made very interesting viewing.  A panel of women were discussing the rights of Bangladeshi women and in particular the rights of Bangladeshi Muslim women.  When the discussion centred on the ill treatment and the stripping of rights of the wives brought over from Bangladesh, it was remarkable to hear the panel (all women) place the primary blame of such treatment upon the Mother in law, who is a fellow woman.  No discussion about the men’s influence and role in this matter like, the father in-law, or the man whom the ‘wife’ is married to.So why do so many of us feel unsupported and criticised by other women and feel that we are not given support in our careers? Why is there no ‘good old boys’ network for girls? Where is the feeling of unity and solidarity amongst women? What happened to girl power?Women are supposed to be the superior sex at forming relationships but this misogynist behaviour towards each other suggests something worryingly deep and dark within women’s relationships. We appear not to have the ability to support, protect and fight for each other.  Instead many women feel jealous of each other leading to a need to bring each other down.  It is almost like women are using the language and weapons of patriarchy against each other.  Take for example; a woman, who chooses to wear a certain form of clothing considered revealing, is immediately labelled, not only by people in general but more so by their own sex.  Other women refer to this type of women as ‘tarts’ or far worse.It is of course difficult to ignore the language and gender beliefs taught by our parents, family and our culture over generations.  We have been internalised in our understanding of what makes a good woman by her behavioural conduct and physical appearance.  Internalising the sexism and the stereotype of the women makes it easier, otherwise the consequence of rejecting it leaves us subject to criticism, rejection and a label of a ‘bad’ woman.One explanation as to why we may have these misogynistic attributes is that female jealousy is a natural reaction to our collective experience of being invisible and starved for attention.  For generations of being ignored and uncared carers of everyone else, silencing ourselves so not to upset anyone and putting our needs last, has left women emotionally starved. It is difficult to witness other women feed themselves with attention, achievement, entitlement, self-worth and self-care when you are craving for that yourself. And when we do not identify how starved we really are, the reaction is to criticise, to put down women  and telling them  they are behaving in an unacceptable manner makes sense at some level, even though it is not okay.By imposing this form of jealousy and misogyny on each other we, The WOMEN, are allowing the patriarchy to take the upper hand. The men of the society do not have to ensure women remain inferior in all aspects of life as we women are doing it for ourselves and  the men are standing back and watching the drama unfold where women are  tearing down each other.  To me, it feels like the ultimate betrayal, when I see women undermining other women’s’ achievements and entitlements.We women need to and have to band together in order to flourish.  Women need to re-establish support, connection and join together to build a strong sense of female solidarity.  A strong sense of female community needs to be re-formed in order for us to be able to succeed in a world which is already very patriarchial.  Together we will be a force to be reckoned with. Divided, we will fall!